Everybody goes through a breakup, good or bad, (okay who am I kidding, they’re all bad), the aftermath can always be tricky. There’s one thing to go through a breakup but it’s another level to see your ex with someone new. Just when you thought you got your shit together, the moment a friend tells you about it, or you see a picture online, or maybe even your ex himself will tell you that he’s with someone else, it abso-fucking-lutely sucks.
My dear cousin-friend Abby gave me this daunting question because this has been bothering her and she has obviously gone through a horrendous aftermath. Two things: One, my invented term “cousin-friend” should be a thing. Abby and I were friends in college and just before I graduated I surprisingly found out she also happened to be my second cousin. We found out when we saw each other in a big family reunion. Kudos, universe. And number two, when I say horrendous aftermath, I mean horrendous like seeing a really bad Nicolas Cage movie. Taking away the details and to cut the long story short, let’s just say that good ol Abby was on the wrong end of an extremely awkward breakup, a possible three-girl cheating extravaganza, and having his ex settling for a girl who isn’t even half as pretty as her. (Okay, maybe I’m a bit biased, but hey)
Thus the question: how does someone jump from an old relationship to a new one just like that? Some do it like they’re changing a pair of socks: use them till their dirty, throw them away, and just change the next day. Some do it patiently like waiting for the bus.
To make things easier, I’ve written this with a conversational tone of talking to a woman and not a man. Though there will be general terms I’ve decided to focus on directing this to girls. No need for an Emma Watson-type UN speech here. I’m sure both the male and the female have all experienced a bad breakup and even a worse aftermath, but since I’ve essentially written this for my cousin-friend, I’ve written it from a guy’s perspective for a girl.
So let’s go through them shall we?
1) It was already over a while back honey
Hate to say it you dear, but there’s a good chance that your relationship was over weeks or maybe even months ago. Maybe you can’t pinpoint the date exactly but maybe it was that weird time you guys were slowly drifting part. It’s hard to notice at first but try retracing the steps to where it seemed like all hell was about to break loose. Maybe it was that time you had the quietest dinner in the entire human race? Maybe it was that time he was suddenly into… oh I don’t know, horseback riding? (Because you eventually find out that his new girl is into horses) Weird scenarios but they still all hurt like crap I’m sure. The point is that your ex was probably already preparing for the inevitable. He hasn’t broken up with you sooner because he hasn’t found someone else at that time. When he finally did, you were left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.
2) Why jump? Just to get over the hump
Let’s say you broke up today. And then just two months later you, you open your Facebook page and then viola! Your tall boyfriend who says he was always into shorter girls just uploaded a photo with a much taller chick and in the photo they were cuddling so much together that the Care Bears themselves would puke.
What happened? Well, he probably forgot all his so-called types and non-negotiables in a relationship and just went out with someone who was literally right there in front of him. A broken heart is weak, disgusting, and in most cases, STUPID. Seriously, a troubled mind and a painful heart are like hobos in the streets. Give them a penny, food, heck, you can probably give them anything and you’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to them on that day. Same thing applies in a relationship.
One other thing is a phrase I absolutely love: “Proximity breeds likeness.” In other words, you and your significant other like each other because it’s easier, accessible, and no stress. Think of a work friend, a classmate, a longtime college roommate, a bandmate, or whatnot. The point is that we are geared into getting a relationship with the people closest in our vicinity. Well, this is normal right? Of course! I mean, what better way to meet people than the ones staring in front of you? The problem arises when let’s say for instance you and your ex are not officemates. Let’s say you met in college, tried to make things afloat even in the real world, and then you sadly breakup. Poof. Then you hear rumors that your ex has sharks for officemates. Lo and behold that they’ve been lurking around the waters and was just simply waiting for the moment you and your man would breakup and then they attack! And of course your ex will be weak, disgusting, and again, STUPID with a capital s-t-u-p-i-d. Of course he’ll jump into a thing with one of his shark officemates. It’s just the way it is, proximity breeds likeness.
3) To get back at you for being a B
No woman is perfect in a relationship. And no man is either. Man can be vicious, inconsiderate, and downright evil sometimes. In the same way, a girl can be a bitch sometimes. (Take note of the words “can” and “sometimes”)
That being said, what if you were a B with your man? You didn’t have to be purely sadistic but you have to admit, there were times when you wish you were a bit more patient and more considerate right? What if your man just had enough and to let out his frustrations, he just went out and got someone who had less bitchy moments.
4) Wait, did he even really love you?
Love can be thrown around loosely and maybe you were just in the middle of a verbal exchange between you and your ex saying “I love you’s” You may have meant everything that you said but what if he didn’t? Or, what if his definition of love is very different from your definition? You just weren’t on the same page.
It’s difficult to comprehend and it’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s a reality you just have to accept. Love can be cheesy, sweet, and a place of rainbows and butterflies. But there’s also a love that doesn’t grasp facts and reasons. Sometimes you just love the person… just because. It’s pure and deep. It’s innocent. It’s the kind you stay up in the middle of the night for.
Remember the first time you said those words to someone? There’s something so precious about that. There’s that feeling of you just want to get it out of your chest but at the same the struggle and stress of not being sure what the other person might reply. That inner battle is beautiful and pure, and something that no one else can understand but yourself. Saying those words shouldn’t be thrown around too easily. And in the same light, saying those three words can be too much to handle for some people.
The way you love should never be comprised or belittled for someone else’s way of loving.
5) Or you know, simply put, he is just a lyin’ cheatin’ son of a gun
Then again, it’s not your fault dear. Maybe he’s just so full of himself. Maybe he meant to hurt you maybe he didn’t, but the fact of the matter is that he did. Plain and simple. You and I know you can’t do anything about it. You and I know that we can’t change him for who he is. He’s probably in a different phase of his life: the one that doesn’t include you.
You may have not noticed the signs of his infidelity or his fears of being alone, but they were there. People don’t want to be alone and he took the necessary precautions so that when you guys eventually fall out, he wouldn’t be alone. He may have lied a thousand times but probably the biggest lie of all was him being with you. Sorry dear, tough love.
There can be a multitude of reasons for people choosing others. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t force people for choosing us, for loving us. For what it’s worth, you shouldn’t mind anymore the reasons for him jumping from one relationship to the next. The biggest challenge is for you to gather your bearings and be comfortable being alone. I don’t believe in “jumping” into a relationship. The perfect person will just arrive when you least expect it. It’s cheesy and cliche but it’s also true.