Monthly Archives: September 2014

Why Do People Jump From One Relationship To the Next?

small-talk

 

Everybody goes through a breakup, good or bad, (okay who am I kidding, they’re all bad), the aftermath can always be tricky. There’s one thing to go through a breakup but it’s another level to see your ex with someone new. Just when you thought you got your shit together, the moment a friend tells you about it, or you see a picture online, or maybe even your ex himself will tell you that he’s with someone else, it abso-fucking-lutely sucks.

My dear cousin-friend Abby gave me this daunting question because this has been bothering her and she has obviously gone through a horrendous aftermath. Two things: One, my invented term “cousin-friend” should be a thing. Abby and I were friends in college and just before I graduated I surprisingly found out she also happened to be my second cousin. We found out when we saw each other in a big family reunion. Kudos, universe. And number two, when I say horrendous aftermath, I mean horrendous like seeing a really bad Nicolas Cage movie. Taking away the details and to cut the long story short, let’s just say that good ol Abby was on the wrong end of an extremely awkward breakup, a possible three-girl cheating extravaganza, and having his ex settling for a girl who isn’t even half as pretty as her. (Okay, maybe I’m a bit biased, but hey)

Thus the question: how does someone jump from an old relationship to a new one just like that? Some do it like they’re changing a pair of socks: use them till their dirty, throw them away, and just change the next day. Some do it patiently like waiting for the bus.

To make things easier, I’ve written this with a conversational tone of talking to a woman and not a man. Though there will be general terms I’ve decided to focus on directing this to girls. No need for an Emma Watson-type UN speech here. I’m sure both the male and the female have all experienced a bad breakup and even a worse aftermath, but since I’ve essentially written this for my cousin-friend, I’ve written it from a guy’s perspective for a girl.

So let’s go through them shall we?

1) It was already over a while back honey

Hate to say it you dear, but there’s a good chance that your relationship was over weeks or maybe even months ago. Maybe you can’t pinpoint the date exactly but maybe it was that weird time you guys were slowly drifting part. It’s hard to notice at first but try retracing the steps to where it seemed like all hell was about to break loose. Maybe it was that time you had the quietest dinner in the entire human race? Maybe it was that time he was suddenly into… oh I don’t know, horseback riding? (Because you eventually find out that his new girl is into horses) Weird scenarios but they still all hurt like crap I’m sure. The point is that your ex was probably already preparing for the inevitable. He hasn’t broken up with you sooner because he hasn’t found someone else at that time. When he finally did, you were left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.

2) Why jump? Just to get over the hump

Let’s say you broke up today. And then just two months later you, you open your Facebook page and then viola! Your tall boyfriend who says he was always into shorter girls just uploaded a photo with a much taller chick and in the photo they were cuddling so much together that the Care Bears themselves would puke.

What happened? Well, he probably forgot all his so-called types and non-negotiables in a relationship and just went out with someone who was literally right there in front of him. A broken heart is weak, disgusting, and in most cases, STUPID. Seriously, a troubled mind and a painful heart are like hobos in the streets. Give them a penny, food, heck, you can probably give them anything and you’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to them on that day. Same thing applies in a relationship.

One other thing is a phrase I absolutely love: “Proximity breeds likeness.” In other words, you and your significant other like each other because it’s easier, accessible, and no stress. Think of a work friend, a classmate, a longtime college roommate, a bandmate, or whatnot. The point is that we are geared into getting a relationship with the people closest in our vicinity. Well, this is normal right? Of course! I mean, what better way to meet people than the ones staring in front of you? The problem arises when let’s say for instance you and your ex are not officemates. Let’s say you met in college, tried to make things afloat even in the real world, and then you sadly breakup. Poof. Then you hear rumors that your ex has sharks for officemates. Lo and behold that they’ve been lurking around the waters and was just simply waiting for the moment you and your man would breakup and then they attack! And of course your ex will be weak, disgusting, and again, STUPID with a capital s-t-u-p-i-d. Of course he’ll jump into a thing with one of his shark officemates. It’s just the way it is, proximity breeds likeness.

3) To get back at you for being a B

No woman is perfect in a relationship. And no man is either. Man can be vicious, inconsiderate, and downright evil sometimes. In the same way, a girl can be a bitch sometimes. (Take note of the words “can” and “sometimes”)

That being said, what if you were a B with your man? You didn’t have to be purely sadistic but you have to admit, there were times when you wish you were a bit more patient and more considerate right? What if your man just had enough and to let out his frustrations, he just went out and got someone who had less bitchy moments.

4) Wait, did he even really love you?

Love can be thrown around loosely and maybe you were just in the middle of a verbal exchange between you and your ex saying “I love you’s” You may have meant everything that you said but what if he didn’t? Or, what if his definition of love is very different from your definition? You just weren’t on the same page.

It’s difficult to comprehend and it’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s a reality you just have to accept. Love can be cheesy, sweet, and a place of rainbows and butterflies. But there’s also a love that doesn’t grasp facts and reasons. Sometimes you just love the person… just because. It’s pure and deep. It’s innocent. It’s the kind you stay up in the middle of the night for.

Remember the first time you said those words to someone? There’s something so precious about that. There’s that feeling of you just want to get it out of your chest but at the same the struggle and stress of not being sure what the other person might reply. That inner battle is beautiful and pure, and something that no one else can understand but yourself. Saying those words shouldn’t be thrown around too easily. And in the same light, saying those three words can be too much to handle for some people.

The way you love should never be comprised or belittled for someone else’s way of loving.

5) Or you know, simply put, he is just a lyin’ cheatin’ son of a gun

Then again, it’s not your fault dear. Maybe he’s just so full of himself. Maybe he meant to hurt you maybe he didn’t, but the fact of the matter is that he did. Plain and simple. You and I know you can’t do anything about it. You and I know that we can’t change him for who he is. He’s probably in a different phase of his life: the one that doesn’t include you.

You may have not noticed the signs of his infidelity or his fears of being alone, but they were there. People don’t want to be alone and he took the necessary precautions so that when you guys eventually fall out, he wouldn’t be alone. He may have lied a thousand times but probably the biggest lie of all was him being with you. Sorry dear, tough love.

***

There can be a multitude of reasons for people choosing others. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t force people for choosing us, for loving us. For what it’s worth, you shouldn’t mind anymore the reasons for him jumping from one relationship to the next. The biggest challenge is for you to gather your bearings and be comfortable being alone. I don’t believe in “jumping” into a relationship. The perfect person will just arrive when you least expect it. It’s cheesy and cliche but it’s also true.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

Is Life Hard?

A couple of weeks back one of my students said this:

Life is hard!

He didn’t say it to me directly or to his teammates, but he just said it as a general statement. He said it with much fervor and disappointment just as a young kid like him would say.

I looked at him first. Then gave him a half-smile and half-are-you-kidding-me look.

How old are you again?! I asked.

Before he said anything else, he knew exactly what I meant.  So he smiled and sheepishly said:

Um, sixteen.

Everyone laughed. Me, him, and the entire team.

I pressed on.

Sixteen? Talk to me again 10 years from now.

We were all still laughing then but I also gave a sense of seriousness that he should take a second look at what he just said.

On one hand, I think he understood that his statement was a bit too foolish. But then again, he was still trying to defend himself that life is hard, even for a sixteen year old.

I wrote before that you shouldn’t compare your problems with other people no matter how grave or how insignificant your problem is. Each of has to go through a certain thing specifically designed for us to go through. I thought of this when my student said that life being a sixteen year old is tough. If you really think about it, life at any age can be tough.

When you were young, didn’t you also have the tendency to blow up everything out of proportion? A young person has the tendency to focus on one singular problem as oppose to when you’re an adult you get to face multiple problems all at one. Either way, in your youth or as an adult, a problem is still a problem.

We shouldn’t compare but we also have to understand the big picture. Whether you’re sixteen or twenty six or thirty eight or even older, we have to acknowledge that there are always bigger problems but also bigger solutions. I’m sure my concerns right now will look less stressful 10 years from now, who knows? Life doesn’t choose an age to be difficult, he choose randomly and at any given time. And besides, the thing about being an adult is that you realize that it’s already started when it’s too late.

After our training, one member had pizza delivered since it was his birthday. While we are all chomping down on pizza, the same student who said earlier that life was hard, excitedly said:

Life is awesome!

Well on that particular moment, at least for now, we could all agree with that.

when i was your age

 

Tagged , , , ,

What Now? Pending Questions one year later

Pending Questions

It’s been a year since the birth of this blog.

Wow, one year. One year of happy days, not-so happy days, and some really awful ones. One year of everything and one year of not everything.

One of the reasons I began writing in this blog, or writing in general, was because I was searching for what I wanted to do with my life. Looking back, it was the whole “quarter life crisis” bullcrap. I quit my stressful job, got sick with a deadly fever, and lost a dear friend. It was like an intense wake up call to do something with my life and not to take things, or anyone, for granted.

I was closed-minded, selfish, and didn’t pay attention to the blessings that I was receiving. Instead, I pushed myself into isolation and despair because I didn’t know what else to do. A year ago there were a lot of bad days. Those were the days of drinking to forget, smoking to breathe, crying to find solace, and not sleeping because my heart didn’t want to rest. Those were the days of endless searching and infinite nothingness. Those were the days that when I look back, I shudder and won’t even know where to begin explaining myself. And those were the days I wrote because writing became a sublimation – a defense mechanism. It was more than an escape, it was a way to breathe.

As I said in my very first post a year ago on a beautiful and lonely September day, I write because I can. I write because this is what I want to do.

And despite those bad days, there were good days eventually – days when I could almost taste the idea of belonging to something bigger than myself. There were days of mesmerizing bliss with friends and with those who care. There were also days of finding the beauty in nothingness and quietness. Despite days of unrest, there were days of peace, beautiful and gracious peace.

What now? Now, there are more questions to ask and more questions to be answered. I continue the journey like a wandering warrior looking for a place to call home. To more good days and to more bad days. Each day is a gift and an opportunity and it will be irresponsible for either of us to waste it.

What now? Now, you and I write.

Let’s write about beauty and wonder, of empty spaces and wondrous places. Let’s write because it’s the only way we know how to live. Let’s explore the great unknown for it is only then will we know what is real and pure.

Now, I write.

I write here because it has become my sanctuary.

Some people are forced into isolation, I look for it. I need the space and the quietness. I hate myself for not writing here as much as I could. I really hope writing becomes more than just a habit and that it becomes like a drug that I need just to get by.

Instead of days forcing myself to type on a computer or use a pencil and write on my notebook, I hope they become part of my everyday life.

One day, I pray that my writing hands become an extension of my body that when I think of something my hands automatically know what to do and write.

Probably more than anything, I wish that I can write with so much passion that writing has a euphoric and transcending feel on my soul; and extends to the readers that it touches and inspires them as well.

I wish all these things and more.

Just like a year ago, just like always, today I write.

 

Don’t You Wish You Could Turn Back Time?

I’ve pondered and wondered endless nights wishing I could turn back time. I used to do that a lot. More accurately, I still do. What is it about time and our actions that make us want to do things all over again? I mean, we know we have one chance in this life. Our grandparents and parents are testament that we truly have one life to live. It is one life to make use of yourself or one life to make a fool of everything.

As youth is spent on the young and regret is bestowed on the aged, we are left with unresolved decisions and missed opportunities that most of us won’t care to admit. That’s part of life, I guess. The shame, regret, and the wishing. By God, the wishing. I wish I could have done this, or that, or whatever it is that you’re wishing for.

I recall a movie I watched a couple of weeks back entitled About Time. I’m sure some of you might have watched this. This is a recent movie and it also stars Rachel McAdams. I first thought that this was just going to be about love and the power of going back in time to correct things so that love could work. You know, typical Hollywood romantic comedy hoopla.

Sure, there were moments when the main character used his power to go back in time to change his relationship with a girl, but for the most part, the movie was essentially about life and the choices we make. It was about having the ability to go back in time, but sometimes choosing not to because some things have to happen. They have to happen in order for us to grow. It all sounds cheesy but they have to happen.

Towards the end of the movie, the main character’s father gave him the ultimate advice regarding time travel. He suggested that Tim (the lead guy) should live each day twice. Instead of changing what’s going to happen on the second day (like what most of us might do), the father said that he shouldn’t change anything and just observe the same day on a different light. That’s the secret to time traveling he says.

This profound realization got me thinking: would I do the same? Given the chance, would I live through the same day twice? What about the bad days? Can I honestly live through a shitty day again? Reliving the same day brought about appreciation and understanding for Tim. It’s not just the fact that you know what’s going to happen but it’s more to the fact that there are certain things you don’t notice when you go through the daily routines of life. We get caught up in work, family, relationships, news, people, and so on, that we often take for granted the things that can bring smiles on our faces.

However, even though this might seem the secret of all secrets as to how to live a meaningful life if you ever had the chance to have the power to go back in time, Tim pushes it even further. After living days twice, noticing all the beautiful small things in life became habitual. Eventually, he didn’t need to go back in time anymore. He didn’t need to change his past. He didn’t need to stop to look and appreciate at the little things. He lived each day to its utmost potential. It wasn’t cheesy, it wasn’t cliché, it seemed like the most perfect and natural thing to do.

I guess I have to stop wishing and just keep on living.

What would you do if you had the power to go back in time?

Tagged , , , ,