How Do You Know When You’re Not Settling?

Here are two scenarios:

Scenario #1 – Let’s say you’re in a group of friends resembles that of Sex and The City. All girls – some are single, some maybe married, some with a boyfriend or who knows, even a girlfriend. The ages of the group can be in the mid 20’s or mid 30’s depending on which age group resembles more in your life. Now let’s narrow down the situation. In a group of five, the cosmos aligned and somehow everyone in the group gets married or at least get engaged and you’re the only one who’s not. To make matters worse, you’re as single as you can possibly with no boyfriend and no prospect in sight. Will you marry the first guy you meet out of “peer pressure?”

Scenario #2 – You’re in a current relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You’ve been together since college or a minimum of at least five years. You get the feeling he’s going to propose any time soon but somehow you’re scared if he asks. Your career is growing and you have the whole world ahead of you. When it comes to your boyfriend, you’re still in love with him. Nothing seems to be wrong about him and the relationship has been going on somewhat smoothly. You’re not unfaithful and besides, there aren’t really prospects running around to date you. But you’re scared if he suddenly drops to one knee and hands you a ring.


When I asked my friends Cole and Bianca if they had a Pending Question about love, they both threw the question “How do you know when you’re not settling?” at me. First I thought this would be an interesting question to tackle but then I started to answer it on my own, I couldn’t quite I understand it. I asked them what they meant and they both gave various answers. The overall feeling however was that there was the uncertainty of choosing to settle down because of well, you’re settling for that person. Whether it’s by choice, circumstance, or even lack of options, some people may have married someone because they’re settling. Of course, I doubt that those same people would admit that they are settling.

Look at the two scenarios above. The first deals with peer pressure. If you can relate to that situation, you have probably felt out of place or like an extreme version of a 3rd wheel when you all go out. For women, the pressure not only comes from friends but on their own biological clock. They want to get married at a certain age if everything is set up – career, home, dreams, and the right time to have kids. More often than not, timing is everything. That’s why it gets tricky when you get to a certain age and you’re not married yet.

In the second situation, this works for men and women in any relationship. Some relationships seem to last longer than the others but maybe that’s just because they’re simply lasting. Maybe you still have unfulfilled dreams yet to achieve and you feel that marriage will bring you down. Worse, you may feel that your partner isn’t the “one.”

So what then is the solution? Is there even one?

Cole gave me an interesting answer to her interesting question.

“You know you’re not settling when there’s no fear.”

Again, I didn’t really know what she meant. She tried to explain it took a while for me to munch it down and understand it. If you don’t have that fear with the person you’re with, I guess you do know that things will be okay and not settling. Maybe I’m not in that point yet but I think I will truly understand it one day.

Couples don’t often think about “settling for a person” and rarely do they even admit it, but settling down in marriage doesn’t mean you have to settle with a person. If it’s true love, then you can go at it. Like all other decisions, being with someone shouldn’t be clouded by circumstance, pressure, and fear. When you’ve got everything figured out and someone asks you to marry him or her, you can honestly say “absofuckinglutely!” ala Mr. Big.



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